Right here. Right now. I AM Enough – 6 Steps to healing your own upsets.
As a dedicated believer in the “self help” way of living my life, I know I must practice what I preach and more importantly, what I have learned. I spent 3 years studying spiritual psychology in order to learn the deeper meanings of why people do what they do. Also, I wanted credentials so I could help them do better. As fortune would have it, I found the University of Santa Monica. USM offered two Masters programs; one in Spiritual Psychology (SP), and the other in Consciousness, Health and Healing. (CHH)
It’s been nearly ten years since I walked through those glass doors at USM and I have been assisting the faculty in ushering new students through the program ever since. Why do I do this? To keep my learnings alive so I don’t get the same magazine with a different model on the cover every month.
I knew when I applied to go to USM that my education there would be “hands on” and “experiential.” It’s the reason I chose it. So many “self-help” programs, motivational seminars, and workshops that I had taken, were just fluff. They “fired up” the places inside me that hurt just enough to make me feel good, but that feeling never lasted more than two weeks after the course was over. I knew it would take more than that to re-program my old way of thinking about things, and more to the point, how I thought about myself. Here I am nearly 10 years later, still practicing a more conscious way of being in my life, and some days I still wake up with some of the same old uncomfortable, upsetting, pain. Only now, I know how to work with those feelings – because I know how to identify and clear them. Thanks to my teachers Dr’s. Ron and Mary Hulnick, and everyone who has ever been to USM.
Many of you who know me, read my book, or even “follow” me on social networks, probably think I Live the life of Riley, (whoever that is.) Yes, I do get to do many out of the ordinary things like walk red carpets, get all-access backstage at Def Leppard shows, host fashion film festivals, hang out with public figures, and follow my dreams, (brag-brag-brag) but only because I put myself out there. I go for it, and that takes the courage to get past my fears and upsets. Of course I post the things I think will make people smile, and admire whatever it is I am doing. I don’t believe that Facebook is a place to play the victim and complain about my life. I go to USM or to my therapist to do that – because I know there – they will encourage me to take accountability for my upset, so I can “clear it once and for all,” as Dr. Ron Hulnick would say. One thing I know now is that we all suffer because most of us share the same rotten beliefs about ourselves – for no apparent reason.
You are probably wondering by now, “well if she isn’t living the Life of Riley, then what could she possibly be upset about?” And I am here to tell you – its probably not much different from whatever it is you are upset about- it just has a different magazine cover on it. For example, I have a colleague that I work with who can really make my blood boil. She is someone I respect and admire for her tenacity and non-stop-go-getter attitude in business. It’s why I hired her. On the other hand, she is a bitch to work with on many levels. Now I know that sounds like a projection – but hang on now- I’m just getting started on the judgments’ I have about her. The only difference between me and her is- I make a conscious effort to grow from the judgments’ I’m making by clearing them from inside myself. Thank God. Otherwise I would just fire her and move on to the next person who would most likely give me the same experience. You see that’s how it works, until we clear the judgments – those places inside that hurt- we just keep on having the same issues come up over and over- same magazine with a different model on the cover.
Last night she and I had a text battle on an issue having to do with a project we are working on together. She complained that some of the email addresses I gave her were wrong and implied that it was because someone didn’t know what they were doing. I asked her to send me a copy of the bounced back emails she was trying to send and I would take care of it myself so she wouldn’t have to go look for them. I reminded her that I have been asking her to copy me on all the emails she was sending on my behalf a few times, but for some reason she refuses to do that. She refuses to let me talk to her assistant too, for whatever reason. Maybe because she has been disrespectful and condescending to my own assistant, she may fear I’d do that to hers – or worse I might learn something about her that she doesn’t want me to know. I would never be rude to her assistant- in fact I applaud anyone who can work with this woman who is so hell bent on proving herself instead of being accountable. I reminded her in the text, (she wouldn’t talk on the phone with me- she was too busy- but she certainly had lots of time to text) that we are supposed to be on the same team. You can imagine why my blood began to boil. She would not cooperate. She would not share the emails- she would not let me connect with her assistant – she would not talk to me directly- she would not let me help her –she just wanted to complain that my assistant gave her the wrong emails. I told her it wasn’t my assistants fault and that she was doing the best she could, and that I would not ask my assistant to go back and find the addresses because obviously – whatever my assistant was doing – was never going to be good enough! I told her it would help if she could be more of a team player.
These texts went back and forth for over an hour- I never got anything I asked for. All I got was a review of her resume on how long she’d been doing this, and how good at it she is, and how I have no right to question her, and blah blah blah. It’s no wonder I woke up with anxiety asking myself why I’m paying this person who feels she has to prove herself to me? I don’t need this kind of aggravation….and then I asked spirit…”How is this happening “for”me? My inner counselor kicked in answering that question. I knew what I had to do. I had to learn the lesson. I had to identify my projections – my judgments on her – because I knew they would lead right to the heart of the judgments I had on myself. I would have to forgive them in order to heal them from deep inside. Otherwise, I would fire her and have the same experience with someone else.
So what were my judgments? I judged her for bragging about all the years of experience she had in her business, for being condescending to my assistant, rude, unaccountable, and for having to defend herself and prove her worth to me…that was it! That was what bothered me the most. She’s always telling me how great she is at her job- how long she’s been doing it- how successful she is- and I am thinking “well if you’re so great at your job – why do you feel you have to convince me?”
What did I do with all those judgments?
First, I asked myself how she was being a mirror to me. I identified the judgments – and then I forgave them. I didn’t have to forgive her– I had to forgive myself for judging and for buying into those beliefs about myself. I had to be accountable for my judgments first, in order to forgive them.
“To forgive means to give as I gave before.”
I judged her for being uncooperative, rude, condescending, and the big one: always having to defend herself and prove her self worth by bragging about her years in the business and how good at it she is. Then I had to ask myself – how am I that way to myself and to others? (This is why judging others is so potent- its like throwing rocks at glass houses!) And the deeper cut- how often do I feel the need to prove myself to others?
The next step is doing the forgiveness and mine went like this: “I forgive myself for judging her as rude, condescending, un-cooperative, and for always having to prove herself. – I forgive myself for judging my-self for ever being rude, condescending, uncooperative, not being a team player, feeling the need to defend myself or prove myself” …and the deeper cut- “I forgive myself for buying into the mis-belief that I ever have to prove my worth to anyone for any reason.” WHY? Because I don’t have to prove anything. Right here. Right now. I AM Enough.
I can forgive myself for being so hard on myself too. If I validate myself I don’t need to get validation from out there. So, I learn to praise myself for all I have been and done, and for who I am today. I am good enough. I am already good enough – we are all good enough – and somehow worthiness is the thing we struggle with most. I don’t know why, but I do know after years of doing USM, prison projects, working with at-risk teens- women’s empowerment seminars… I’ve witnessed the fact that we all have the same core issues…and the things we need to clear and forgive are our own judgments on our own self-worth. It wasn’t until I recognized the projection and did the self forgiveness that I could move into the gratitude part. As I exhaled the judgments and forgave myself – I inhaled the lesson and appreciated myself for getting it.
I became grateful for the learning, grateful for the woman who gave me the opportunity, grateful for the university, grateful for the experience and grateful to myself that I would give myself the time and love to heal the issue at the core- once and for all. I’m not upset by her and I’m not upset with me. I am at peace. This is where self-love starts- giving yourself the time it takes to learn-heal and grow. Now I have a new magazine and a new cover that reads:
Right here. Right now. I AM Enough. And so are all of you.
6- Steps to healing your own upsets.
1.) Identify – Look for the judgments you have on the person, the situation and on yourself.
2.) Be Accountable– Own it. Be honest with yourself. Where do those judgments reside in you? What are the beliefs you hold about yourself that don’t serve you?
3.) Forgiveness– Forgive yourself for buying into those irrational beliefs you have about yourself.
4.) Love & Compassion– Apply love to the place where those judgments lived. Be compassionate with yourself and others. We are all learning. There is an empty space there after a clearing and you want to breath love into those spaces. You deserve it. We all do.
5.) Appreciate the lesson, the person who gave it to you, and yourself for getting it! Say, “I am so grateful for this opportunity to heal and grow.” Thank yourself for showing up to the plate.
6.) Praise yourself. Give yourself kudos. Acknowledge yourself for your honesty, vulnerability and courage to do the work and love yourself.
So dear friends – repeat after me:
For more on the USM education go to http://universityofsantamnoica.edu
Blessings and Love,